Random Curiosity

This is what Naruto could and should have been…then I would’ve kept watching it instead of using it as the butt end of every bad anime joke.

Summary:

Unapologetic apology for delay: was watching AFK’s excellent Lucky Star sub!

We start off with some old-school Okami lookin’ art and some Naruto music in the background (you know the one with the drums and the guys goin HUA! HOH!) – apparently Suzu is telling a story! Turns out the men of the island were out at sea as they do every year to catch their huge spiny red tuna, but this particular year, they all got pwned by a huge tidal wave about 15 thousand leagues larger than the one that carried Ikuto to the island of many virgins.

So while she’s telling the story, she grabs two of the three oversized mochis on the plate between her and Ikuto, and chows them down merrily. The thing is, a good wife would never take more than half of the share, so this could raise some issues down the road for Ikuzu…er…Sukuto…yea. On the other hand, a skinny girl with a big appetite is kinda hot too. Anyways, Suzu finishes her story up quick and seamlessly transitions into “well, I’m sure you’re tired, so let’s go to sleep!” as she slides open the veranda doors exposing…side by side futons! Cue instant Ikuto nosebleed. Like a good high class escort, Suzu heads to the shower first while Ikuto gets ready in bed…

So Ikuto’s hiding under his sheets in fetal position, terrified of the half-naked covered-only-by-towel girl that previous experience has taught us will surely walk out of the shower soon. Hey, what do you think this is, some cheap harem show? Turns out sneaky jailbait Ayane espionaged her way into the bedroom to convince Ikuto to leave with her (at least she asks for consent). Naturally, Ikuto lets out a “noooooo loli!!” cry which reaches the ears of a half-dressed already-boob-wrapped Suzu, who catches Ayane in the process of kawarimi no jutsu’ing Ikuto with an eggplant that would easily be cast in a Miracle-Gro commercial (now I’m assuming that the kawarimi used in the first ep was a giant daikon radish, so I’m guessing Ayane has some gigantic underground vegetable garden, cuz I didn’t see it in that overhead shot. Maybe she’s the one that grows the rice, too…). Of course, the two girls soon engage in a bouncy (well, one of them) altercation resulting in further blood loss through his nose. Suzu sees Ikuto snorting a puddle of blood and finishes off the fight with some shadow eggplant-shuriken technique which sends Ayane flying. As she holds him between her bosom, she notices one, two…no…the presence of dozens of…possessed women! Terrifying memories of Dead Rising, High School of the Dead, Resident Evil grip their nerves. But no, it’s not brains these women want…it’s Ikuto’s…well, they all have their reasons. Anyways, they’re saved by the old hag, who comes up with a solution to solve the single male issue, while maintaining the important values of fair competition, monogamy, and fidelity.

The game is simple – “tag” – first one to catch Ikuto before sundown wins his rights! (If only the NBA draft worked like this…then I wouldn’t have to watch losers like the Grizzlies waste away the best big man prospect since Shaq like 14 years ago) Of course, if nobody catches him, he’s free to choose whatever. So Ikuto’s feeling pretty good about this, since he’s pretty athletic and all, and girls are supposed to suck at sports. Costly assumption. It’s like how a cornered chihuahua can turn into White Fang all of a sudden – these are girls going after their first taste of “OTOKO” in their repressed lives. Like a pack of rabid hyenas they charge the unsuspecting Ikuto – could the game of marriage tag be over in mere seconds? Not if Suzu has anything to say – she launches her rasengankatsu and bowls over the mob.

At this point I’m wonder what the deal is with that huge girl. I’m reminded of a Far Side comic where these prehistoric kids are on a basketball court, but nobody brought a ball. There’s a dumb-lookin’ kid in the group with a fantastically large and round head; the caption below reads “birth of headhunting.” Regardless, I wouldn’t be too interested if she actually turned out to be a character with a name…

Anyways, Ayane is elsewhere, still delirious from the eggplant missile. Apparently she hasn’t heard about the game going on…

Back to Ikuto, where Rin is hot on his trail. Supposedly, in addition to wanting to get married, she wants to shake the image of her being a lesbian…after executing some deft branch-hopping moves she grabs on a vine and does her best Jane of the Jungle impression… and is immediately intercepted by Suzu with what looks to be a crotch x butt bump…

Next on his trail is that insane bipolar chick Chikage, who after sneaking up on him reveals that she’s not interested in marriage (then again, most ppl aren’t when they are like…15…her facebook profile would probably read something like “random play” and “whatever I can get”). She’s got some trap set up ahead, which Suzu gingerly and tactically manipulates in such a way which ends up getting Chikage herself trapped…

By about now the rest of the nameless cast has discovered Ikuto’s location and all run after him. Suzu executes some S-class jounin moves and disposes of them one by one, leaving Ikuto wondering what the hell he was running from in the first place. He probably should’ve been more worried about where he was running to, as he soon walks over a ledge, grabbing on at the last second before falling into a crisp and refreshing yet still menacing river. As he pulls himself up, he finds himself face to face with…uh oh…the queen of dharts herself.

Machi makes a few freakish faces at Ikuto, which causes him to jump in to the river willingly. Meanwhile, on the other river bank, a sheepish Ayane gets thrown over by a hysterical Suzu. Ayane is soon shot in the neck with a dart by Machi, and falls into the river herself, while Suzu runs after them.

So Ikuto is gasping for air in the menacing river; of course, the current is fast because it leads to a waterfall – in this case, one that makes Victoria Falls look like a catheter stream. Ikuto falls down face first while Suzu dives after him. Just as she is about to get a hold of him (no idea what she was planning to do after…), Yukino skies out of nowhere on her huge badass-looking hawk and grabs him. Ayane falls down too, and calls for her bird as well (remember the roundish looking blue cockatrice from the first ep?), who skies down to whisk her away…except this particular bird is one of those flightless types (probably next on the extinction list), and both careen into the pool below (if this were looney tunes we’d see bugs hold up a sign with a 1.2 score).

The madness continues as I run out of breath and the badass hawk runs out of grip, dropping Ikuto into the forest below. Uh oh, it’s the eastern woods…land of the…giant man eating plants and combat pandas. Ikuto busts out his best Ippo impression against the plants but keels at the sight of the towering panda (think Boykins vs Shaq…or maybe Mari Yaguchi vs Bob Sapp). Anyways, Suzu pops out of nowhere (she must’ve ran two miles in 30 seconds) and does the Xiaoyu square + x throw on the panda. She turns around and offers her hand to help up Ikuto…

Wait, if I touch her, that means I’ll lose! I gotta get outta here! As Ikuto is about to scuttle off again, the bear gets up for round 2 and swipes his massive paw at Suzu… and it probably would have ripped her into three panda bite-sized pieces, had Ikuto not pushed her out of the way, taking the hit for himself (so is getting hit by a car or taking a full swing from a panda worse? I’d say Ikuto could smoke Hayate any day). Regardless, Ikuto is launched a sizeable distance comparable to Ayane’s blunt eggplant injury.

Speaking of Ayane, she’s realized that everybody’s in a competition for Ikuto, and immediately springs into action…

Right when everybody’s got Ikuto surrounded, Ayane unleashes some suspicious purple sleeping gas that knocks everyone out. Suzu tries to stop her but takes a dart to the forearm. A paralyzed Ikuto reaches out: “Why do you go to such lengths against Suzu…!”

“Well,” Ayane’s eyes light on fire, her teeth turn jagged, “she’s beat me at every freakin’ thing ever! It’s pissin’ me off!!! What’s more…” (cue uncensored fondling) “WHY ARE THEY BIGGER THAN MINE!!!!” Further blood loss ensues. Ikuto manages to escape, though, and does his own version of eggplant kawarimi as Ayane chases the eggplant over the edge of a cliff…

And the sun sets. Has our hero won?!!!

Ah, guess not. When he was shoving Suzu out the way to take the panda paw, he grabbed Suzu’s D cups (it’s important to note that her cup size is variable depending on the level of detail and the situation they are used in). So, Suzu is the winner! What does she plan on naming their children?

“I don’t need him!” …she chirps as she turns down the grand prize. “Ikuto should have the right to decide who he wants to marry!”

At this point I get mad and immediately start scouring irchighway for doujins.

-jaalin